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Title: The Simple Art of Seduction
Series: Star Trek (reboot verse)
Summary: Jim pays Bones a visit in sick bay. It doesn't quite go as planned.
Rating: PG for some dirty thoughts and innuendo, plus Bones drops a few f-bombs and goddamns because he is Bones and that is how he rolls, homies.
Pairings: Jim/Bones, Jim/ham sandwich (what?)
Notes: God I can't believe I wrote this. Wait, yes I can. I totally can believe I wrote this.
Takes place about four weeks after “Variations on a Theme (Science versus Romance)” but it is not necessary to read that to understand this. Mostly because there's...really nothing to understand here. Also I think I'm a little bit in love with failbot!Jim and Chris Pine has a really pretty mouth you guys. This is my little tribute to it.
I don't own this, otherwise there really would be a water park on the Enterprise. Which I...I have to admit, I don't think the cast would complain, from what I know of them as people.
Also fuck you,![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
inugrlrayn. Just...fuck you. ♥
According to the chronometers, it was 1300 when the tasmanian devil-like whirlwind known as James T. Kirk came barreling into sick bay.
“Bones!” The captain called as he strolled in the door, a paper-wrapped square in one hand. “What's cookin', good-lookin'?”
“Go away, Jim.” The only parts of the doctor that were visible were half of a hip and his boots as he was practically buried inside of a supply closet peering at some red vials. “Unless you have a reason to be here, I'm busy.”
“I have to have a reason to come see you?” Fortunately for Jim, Bones was unable to witness his attempt at an innocent expression. Such attempts usually resulted in uncontrollable laughter, weeks of ridicule, and Jim sulking. Really, it was for the best.
“Yes.” He placed the red vials back on their shelf and pulled down a tray of purple ones. They were getting a bit low on vaccines for the Rigellan flu. He made a note on his PADD and put the tray back where it belonged.
“Bones, come on. What's wrong with me visiting just because?”
“Aside from the flagrant abuse of authority?” They were good on sedatives, provided another away mission didn't go straight to hell in a hand basket. On second thought...he made a mental note to requisition more ASAP. “There's that thing where I have a job to do.”
“Bones,” Jim slowly replied. “I promise I'll stay out of your way. I'll just sit and eat my sandwich and watch you work.” He held up one hand in the Boy Scout salute. Bones grunted an assent and with that, the captain sat primly on the edge of a biobed directly in front of the closet and began to unwrap his lunch. Bones rolled his eyes as went back to his inventory. “I have to say, I'm enjoying the view.”
Bones felt his face form a scowl as he slowly turned around to face the captain. Yeah, Jim was staring at his ass. After a moment, Jim noticed that he had been caught and waggled his eyebrows. Bones sighed.
It was like being in a relationship with a high school football player.
Jim raised the sandwich to his mouth and took a bite. He made a small happy noise in the back of his throat and he chewed the ham and cheese thoroughly. There was a slow swallow, and he licked the crumbs from his lips. Licking his lips a second time, he took another, more deliberate bite.
Against his will, Bones found himself staring at the scene in front of him.
It was...it was like he was fellating the goddamn sandwich.
Granted, it was a new relationship and they were therefore in the whole 'let's have sex at every given opportunity because fuck yeah' stage, but Jesus. Watching Jim eat should not have been doing this to him. Ever.
Somehow, there was a glob of mayonnaise on the corner of Jim's mouth and Bones had to fight from licking it off of him because they were right in the middle of sick bay and he didn't think Chapel, bless her heart, was into that. Jim must have realized it at the same time he did, because he promptly wiped it up with his thumb. He sucked the mayo off as if he was savoring it, his eyes never leaving Bones's face.
It was then Bones realized that Jim was a sack of shit who was doing this on purpose and promptly went back to his default state of grumpy annoyance. He scowled and turned back to the closet. Oh he'd get Jim later for this, there was no doubt.
Serenity reigned for a few moments in the sick bay while he continued his work. Unlike the rest of his natural state, Jim was a quiet eater, something for which at that moment Bones was profoundly grateful.
Naturally, it didn't last.
It started with a simple cough. The cough was quickly followed by a louder, wetter cough that soon progressed into wheezing. Bones leaned back halfway out of the supply closet and took in the sight before him. Jim was white and his lips had a blueish tint to them as he reached his hand up to his throat.
Oh for fuck's sake.
Without preamble, Bones calmly walked over behind his captain and placed his arms around him just under the rib cage. With one hand curled into a fist and the other resting on top of it, he firmly pushed in and up on Jim's abdomen several times. There was a weird smacking noise as a piece of sandwich dislodged itself from the captain's throat and shot across the room onto the floor in front of Nurse Chapel. She made a gagging sound and promptly backed away from it.
Jim's color was returning to normal and he was coughing and breathing heavy. Bones dropped his arms and stepped away from him. Jim eventually bent over at the waist in an attempt to easier catch his breath.
“I'm teaching you to self-Heimlich.”
“Maybe...maybe I...excuse...get...arms...around me...” Jim barely got out, amazingly with a smile on his face. “Like it...when...you hold...me.”
“Shut up.” Bones crossed his arms. Incredibly frustratingly, he was still a little turned on. “I don't have time for these shenanigans, Jim. I'm off duty at 2000, we'll talk about this then.”
Jim pouted for a moment, before brightening. “This mean you're going to spank me?” Bones heard Chapel gag again. Apparently, she was really not into that. Duly noted. As he liked Chapel, he grabbed Jim by the arm and pulled him close so she wouldn't have to hear the rest of their conversation.
“Listen to me,” Bones growled in his ear. “I have half a mind to deck you right now, you jackass, because I'll be lucky if I can concentrate for the rest of the day with that stunt you just pulled. So you get your ass out of my sick bay right now and I will make sure that you can't sit still in your chair for a fucking week from the things I do to you. We clear?”
Jim had lit up like a kid on Christmas. “I ever tell you you're the best ever?”
“Not nearly goddamn enough.” Bones let go of his arm. “Get out, Jim.”
The captain all but sprinted out of the room, leaving the remnants of his sandwich behind. Bones shrugged and picked it up off the biobed, idly brushing the crumbs off the sheets. Smirking to himself, he took a bite and went back to work.
Waste not, want not.
AND THEN JIM WAS ON THAT SHIT LIKE A HOBO ON A HAM SANDWICH. Oh God.
Series: Star Trek (reboot verse)
Summary: Jim pays Bones a visit in sick bay. It doesn't quite go as planned.
Rating: PG for some dirty thoughts and innuendo, plus Bones drops a few f-bombs and goddamns because he is Bones and that is how he rolls, homies.
Pairings: Jim/Bones, Jim/ham sandwich (what?)
Notes: God I can't believe I wrote this. Wait, yes I can. I totally can believe I wrote this.
Takes place about four weeks after “Variations on a Theme (Science versus Romance)” but it is not necessary to read that to understand this. Mostly because there's...really nothing to understand here. Also I think I'm a little bit in love with failbot!Jim and Chris Pine has a really pretty mouth you guys. This is my little tribute to it.
I don't own this, otherwise there really would be a water park on the Enterprise. Which I...I have to admit, I don't think the cast would complain, from what I know of them as people.
Also fuck you,
inugrlrayn. Just...fuck you. ♥According to the chronometers, it was 1300 when the tasmanian devil-like whirlwind known as James T. Kirk came barreling into sick bay.
“Bones!” The captain called as he strolled in the door, a paper-wrapped square in one hand. “What's cookin', good-lookin'?”
“Go away, Jim.” The only parts of the doctor that were visible were half of a hip and his boots as he was practically buried inside of a supply closet peering at some red vials. “Unless you have a reason to be here, I'm busy.”
“I have to have a reason to come see you?” Fortunately for Jim, Bones was unable to witness his attempt at an innocent expression. Such attempts usually resulted in uncontrollable laughter, weeks of ridicule, and Jim sulking. Really, it was for the best.
“Yes.” He placed the red vials back on their shelf and pulled down a tray of purple ones. They were getting a bit low on vaccines for the Rigellan flu. He made a note on his PADD and put the tray back where it belonged.
“Bones, come on. What's wrong with me visiting just because?”
“Aside from the flagrant abuse of authority?” They were good on sedatives, provided another away mission didn't go straight to hell in a hand basket. On second thought...he made a mental note to requisition more ASAP. “There's that thing where I have a job to do.”
“Bones,” Jim slowly replied. “I promise I'll stay out of your way. I'll just sit and eat my sandwich and watch you work.” He held up one hand in the Boy Scout salute. Bones grunted an assent and with that, the captain sat primly on the edge of a biobed directly in front of the closet and began to unwrap his lunch. Bones rolled his eyes as went back to his inventory. “I have to say, I'm enjoying the view.”
Bones felt his face form a scowl as he slowly turned around to face the captain. Yeah, Jim was staring at his ass. After a moment, Jim noticed that he had been caught and waggled his eyebrows. Bones sighed.
It was like being in a relationship with a high school football player.
Jim raised the sandwich to his mouth and took a bite. He made a small happy noise in the back of his throat and he chewed the ham and cheese thoroughly. There was a slow swallow, and he licked the crumbs from his lips. Licking his lips a second time, he took another, more deliberate bite.
Against his will, Bones found himself staring at the scene in front of him.
It was...it was like he was fellating the goddamn sandwich.
Granted, it was a new relationship and they were therefore in the whole 'let's have sex at every given opportunity because fuck yeah' stage, but Jesus. Watching Jim eat should not have been doing this to him. Ever.
Somehow, there was a glob of mayonnaise on the corner of Jim's mouth and Bones had to fight from licking it off of him because they were right in the middle of sick bay and he didn't think Chapel, bless her heart, was into that. Jim must have realized it at the same time he did, because he promptly wiped it up with his thumb. He sucked the mayo off as if he was savoring it, his eyes never leaving Bones's face.
It was then Bones realized that Jim was a sack of shit who was doing this on purpose and promptly went back to his default state of grumpy annoyance. He scowled and turned back to the closet. Oh he'd get Jim later for this, there was no doubt.
Serenity reigned for a few moments in the sick bay while he continued his work. Unlike the rest of his natural state, Jim was a quiet eater, something for which at that moment Bones was profoundly grateful.
Naturally, it didn't last.
It started with a simple cough. The cough was quickly followed by a louder, wetter cough that soon progressed into wheezing. Bones leaned back halfway out of the supply closet and took in the sight before him. Jim was white and his lips had a blueish tint to them as he reached his hand up to his throat.
Oh for fuck's sake.
Without preamble, Bones calmly walked over behind his captain and placed his arms around him just under the rib cage. With one hand curled into a fist and the other resting on top of it, he firmly pushed in and up on Jim's abdomen several times. There was a weird smacking noise as a piece of sandwich dislodged itself from the captain's throat and shot across the room onto the floor in front of Nurse Chapel. She made a gagging sound and promptly backed away from it.
Jim's color was returning to normal and he was coughing and breathing heavy. Bones dropped his arms and stepped away from him. Jim eventually bent over at the waist in an attempt to easier catch his breath.
“I'm teaching you to self-Heimlich.”
“Maybe...maybe I...excuse...get...arms...around me...” Jim barely got out, amazingly with a smile on his face. “Like it...when...you hold...me.”
“Shut up.” Bones crossed his arms. Incredibly frustratingly, he was still a little turned on. “I don't have time for these shenanigans, Jim. I'm off duty at 2000, we'll talk about this then.”
Jim pouted for a moment, before brightening. “This mean you're going to spank me?” Bones heard Chapel gag again. Apparently, she was really not into that. Duly noted. As he liked Chapel, he grabbed Jim by the arm and pulled him close so she wouldn't have to hear the rest of their conversation.
“Listen to me,” Bones growled in his ear. “I have half a mind to deck you right now, you jackass, because I'll be lucky if I can concentrate for the rest of the day with that stunt you just pulled. So you get your ass out of my sick bay right now and I will make sure that you can't sit still in your chair for a fucking week from the things I do to you. We clear?”
Jim had lit up like a kid on Christmas. “I ever tell you you're the best ever?”
“Not nearly goddamn enough.” Bones let go of his arm. “Get out, Jim.”
The captain all but sprinted out of the room, leaving the remnants of his sandwich behind. Bones shrugged and picked it up off the biobed, idly brushing the crumbs off the sheets. Smirking to himself, he took a bite and went back to work.
Waste not, want not.
AND THEN JIM WAS ON THAT SHIT LIKE A HOBO ON A HAM SANDWICH. Oh God.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2009-09-03 12:49 am (UTC)From:edit: Oh yeah, the fic was pretty good too :p
JK! It was adorable and hilarious :D He would choke on a damn sandwich.
no subject
Date: 2009-09-03 08:47 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2009-09-03 10:15 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2009-09-03 10:14 pm (UTC)From:Thanks for the comments! Jim is the dumbest genius ever. :D
no subject
Date: 2010-03-21 07:29 pm (UTC)From:And trust Jim Kirk to turn choking into a come on.
no subject
Date: 2010-03-29 12:03 am (UTC)From:Yeah Jim is unique like that, isn't he?
Thanks for reading!
no subject
Date: 2009-09-03 12:57 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2009-09-03 10:16 pm (UTC)From:Thanks for reading and the comment!
no subject
Date: 2009-09-03 01:09 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2009-09-03 10:27 pm (UTC)From:I'm glad you enjoyed it! Thanks for reading!
no subject
Date: 2009-09-03 01:48 am (UTC)From:You wouldn't hear any gagging from me!
no subject
Date: 2009-09-03 10:18 pm (UTC)From:I wouldn't gag either, I'd probably get popcorn. ^_~
Thanks for reading!
no subject
Date: 2009-09-04 01:30 am (UTC)From:*is lecherous*
Also, I forgot to say before, but great little story - super cute and fun to read! Thanks for sharing!
no subject
Date: 2009-09-04 02:13 am (UTC)From:Thank you so much for the kind words! I'm glad you enjoyed it!
no subject
Date: 2009-09-03 01:55 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2009-09-03 10:18 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2009-09-03 01:56 am (UTC)From:I cannot even tell you how much I am laughing right now
no subject
Date: 2009-09-03 10:20 pm (UTC)From:I'm glad! <3
no subject
Date: 2009-09-03 01:57 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2009-09-03 10:20 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2009-09-03 02:25 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2009-09-03 10:27 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2009-09-03 04:59 am (UTC)From:Ahh, Bones eating the sandwich was a little traumatizing... I mean germs, but other than that I loved this:)
no subject
Date: 2009-09-03 10:26 pm (UTC)From:Oh I'm sorry that traumatized you. I just figured Bones wouldn't want the delicious sandwich to go to waste because Mama McCoy raised him better than that! D:
Thank you so much for reading!
no subject
Date: 2009-09-03 06:46 am (UTC)From:BLESS HER HEART. sdghak;dgha;aklsgsd YES.
This is perfect. Your Bones is especially perfect. *snuggles him against his will*
no subject
Date: 2009-09-03 10:24 pm (UTC)From:Thank you so much for the comment and for reading!
no subject
Date: 2009-09-03 04:13 pm (UTC)From:You win. Everything.
(is all over this like a hobo onna ham sammich)
no subject
Date: 2009-09-03 10:23 pm (UTC)From:Yay I win! \o/ Thanks for the kind comment!
no subject
Date: 2009-09-03 05:42 pm (UTC)From:LOVED THIS. Loved EVERY SINGLE WORD of this. Kirk is SO the sort to say "what's cookin', good-lookin'." Nothing's funnier than grumpy Bones. Only Kirk can make eating a sandwich sexy (I wonder if Scotty will be jealous if he knew).
no subject
Date: 2009-09-03 10:22 pm (UTC)From:Thanks for reading it and for the comments! <3
no subject
Date: 2009-09-05 02:05 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2009-09-06 09:22 pm (UTC)From:Thanks for reading!
no subject
Date: 2009-09-12 09:18 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2009-10-04 06:01 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2009-10-14 07:18 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2009-10-17 06:20 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2010-01-30 04:44 pm (UTC)From:I love you.
no subject
Date: 2010-01-30 07:57 pm (UTC)From:I like imagining Chapel being supportive of them together as long as she doesn't get the finer details of certain parts of their relationship. Then there's a lot of ears bleeding commentary and covering of the eyes. Because when you work with someone day in and day out, there are just some things you don't need to know. XD
no subject
Date: 2010-12-08 02:12 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2010-12-09 02:28 am (UTC)From:Thank you for reading!
no subject
Date: 2011-05-30 10:51 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2011-06-01 11:16 pm (UTC)From: