its soft edge might cut you

Title: Empire State of Mind
Series: Star Trek AOS fusion with Gossip Girl
Rating: PG-13/R for this chapter
Summary: It's finally Thanksgiving on the Upper East Side, but turkey and stuffing aren't the only things on the menu today. How about a nice heaping side dish of drama to go with the yams?
Notes: In addition to the standard trigger warning about Nyota's bulimia, there is an additional one for people who have attempted or know someone who has attempted/committed suicide. (It's not Sam.)

This chapter is dedicated to hora_tio, as her birthday was this past Saturday! Happy belated, my dear!

Full notes on AO3, where the chapter has only been posted due to length.

Title: And That's How You Get Ants
Series: Star Trek 2009 fused with the F/X animated sitcom Archer
Pairings: Spock/Bones (work with me here), Jim/Bones (past relationship and current UST), one-sided Sulu/Bones (holy shit Bones is getting around in this universe), some blink and you'll miss it Chekov/Jim and Carol Marcus/Spock
Rating: R for sexual references, swearing, and dead hooker jokes
Beta/General advice: maypirate
Summary: A normal day in the life for top STRFLT secret agent James Kirk, codenamed Duchess. Now if only he could get his ex-lover away from his dull new boyfriend...
Disclaimer: I do not own the Star Trek characters or anything from Archer. Nothing, nada, zilch, zip, zero.
Notes: Right, so I’ve been saying I would do this for a while now. Like…since this show came out a while. So um…2010? Ish? Yeah.

For those of you not in the know, Archer is a spy comedy on F/X. It’s about a secret agent named Sterling Archer, who works for the agency ISIS under his mother, Malory Archer. Archer (as Sterling is referred to by most of the other characters) works with a variety of interesting people in the office. In addition to international intrigue, he must deal with things like balancing his expense account and working closely with his ex, Lana Kane, and maybe there’s still some sexual tension there.

Also the humor is blue as SHIT. Seriously, if this seems way more offensive/dirty than the things I usually write, well…it’s the show. Some of the jokes are going to be taken directly from it. Also for the sake of an explanation, Pam is constantly made fun of for being ugly and fat. Hence all the jokes made at Hikaru’s expense. If it seems mean, well…it kind of is.

Like this is one of those shows that is totally not politically correct. At all. Beyond not politically correct. It wouldn’t be in the spirit of the show to do otherwise. Some of the jokes are lifted from the show proper because it’s one of those things where there was simply no way I could come up with something funnier. (Like the O. Henry/Alanis Morissette joke.)

So obviously, Jim is Sterling Archer and Winona is Malory. Bones, not Nyota, is Lana. (Nyota gets to be Gillette so she can be the only sane person that works at the agency. Trust me, it’s better this way.)

Anyways, I hope you find it funny. If you guys like it, I’ll do more of these.


( Read more... )