its soft edge might cut you

Well maybe "bereft" is a bit strong, but whatever.

I finished Phoenix Invictus last week, at least until I get edits back from my betas. And school started, okay yay for that. I have things to do.

But I just feel so at loose ends and like I don't know what to do with myself.

I have been working on Phoenix in small pieces since 2009. I've been basically obsessed with telling this story for three years. And now it's mostly done, and I just...I have no idea what to do. maypirate was like "just bask in your awesomeness," which I did for a couple of days but now I just...I dunno. I feel like I need to write more stuff, and I have a lot of ideas (more water park, more Gossip Girl, and some other things), but I don't know what to do with myself.

Good thing that happened, I got two medal in the Rec Olympics, one for a fic I had literally only just posted which blows my mind. I feel like I never get rec'ed, or at least if I do I don't get told about it to thank the people. So that was really a great feeling. (I've been told I'm full of crap and I get rec'ed a lot, so rationally I know I'm being dumb when I say I feel like I don't get that. I just get genuinely surprised when people like what I do because LBR it's pretty outrageous and silly sometimes.)

So anyways, I hope when Phoenix gets posted you guys like it and read it and all that good stuff. It has aliens and pirates and Bones getting phenomenal cosmic powers (but no itty bitty living space) in it. If I could just figure out how to split the damn chapters.

I am going back to my cramps and blackberry cabernet sorbet now. And I hope you guys are all doing okay! Drop me a line in the comments with an update! <3

ETA: Sent my rough draft in. It's official; I "won" Big Bang. If you can call it winning, and not like watering your future with your heart's blood. (Thank you, Grant Morrison.)

HI LIVEJOURNAL I SPENT FROM FRIDAY AFTERNOON DURING MY CREATIVE WRITING CLASS UNTIL 4:00 PM TODAY SICK.

But I wrote like 10,000 words on my Trek/Ghostbusters crossover. Which would be awesome if not for the fact that like...I have other more pressing shit to write. Like my Rom Com. And Phoenixey things.

This weekend I finish cleaning out the old apartment, because I had in the keys next week. Finally that chapter of my life will be over! No more dank depressing apartment full of leaks and mildew. (No seriously, it flooded every time it rained. The carpet is stained black from it. Which I am not paying for, for the record.)

I have worked a little on Phoenix here or there, and the Good Phoenix part is at 7000 and some change words. It's made me realize I have to redo one of the opening scenes of Dark Phoenix and make more time elapse during it, but I can do that all later. I just want to get Good Phoenix finished, at least a rough draft so soon as possible. The rate things are going, I won't be posting this until the summer I guess. (I can't write and only write over Spring Break for two reasons. A) faoi_cheilt is visiting for the first few days, and B) I have to reread House of Leaves and write an 8-12 page research paper on its use of postmodernism over break for my Honors class.) So it looks like writing a scene a night is how it's going to go, which means the fic is going to take forever to finish.

Bah, I got myself into this mess. No use whining about it.

Also next week is the beginning of the sign up for the mccoy_and_kirk fic/art exchange. I hope people participate; we purposefully timed it to not be around other exchanges like space_wrapped and km_anthology. So I hope some of you guys participate! I'll be making a reminder post tomorrow. Along with a meta discussion post because I suck and just realized in my illness I totally didn't do that.

I am currently surrounded by cats. This is a good thing.

Anyways, back to work I go. Just wanted to post something so people weren't thinking I was dead or something. :D

I got screamed at today because I almost (almost, not did) dropped a woman's dozen eggs. Literally screamed at in the middle of my store.

I think I need a new job, or at least I need to not work at the store I do. People in Cary are entitled assholes. On what planet is it okay to scream at someone because you throw something at them and they almost don't catch it? I was even immediately apologetic about it! I was like "Oh my god, I'm sorry, but I managed to..." and she just started unloading on me. To his credit, Trampas, the MOD came to my rescue to diffuse the situation, but I shouldn't be put in that situation in the first place.

In other news, I'm enjoying Occupy Wall Street, although the fact that no one (even the protestors) seems to grasp that they're not protesting capitalism so much as corporatism is kind of beyond my comprehension. Also I have Bank of America, and I would so be switching to my credit union fulltime if not for the fact that my parents have BoA and if I get in a financial jam (like say, Tuesday) it's easier for them to just electronically transfer the funds to me instead of having to wire it or send a check. And no, BoA, you're not actually entitled to turn a profit. You're entitled to the chance to turn a profit, not actually doing so. There's a big difference, assholes.

Oh yes, aforementioned financial jam. I got a flat tire on Tuesday, which snowballed into me needing both front tires replaced, which then snowballed into me also needing new front brake pads and rotors. (You see, on a BMW, you can't just replace pads or rotors. You have to do them at the same time.) The total cost of these things was $917. Do you know what else I could do with $917 dollars? Pay my rent for a month, pay for a semester of school plus books, buy a bottle of 1966 Dom Perignon, buy a pair of Louboutins, buy three Coach Purses or one Balenciaga purse, buy two Marc by Marc Jacobs dresses, buy a Macbook Air, pay for my upcoming house to be painted, buy three Kitchenaid Stand Mixers, or buy a round trip ticket to Paris. But no, I had to spend it on my car, and by I had to I mean I had to call my parents because I don't have $917 just laying around unfortunately.

I did have enough to give them a kickass birthday present: a basket including three bottles of wine, tons of snacks, and a wine stopper. My mom said she didn't know whether to be happy or angry with me. They're in Vegas right now, celebrating their birthdays. (Mom's was yesterday, and Dad's is the 9th), but they assured me they're going to crack it open when they get home.

When they get home, the house buying process begins for real. I may make an appointment to check out a couple of houses next week because I'm on fall break. It can't hurt to rule out some things before my Mom and Dad get up here. Like putrescent neighborhoods or no closet space.

On the fannish front, I've written 1500 words of Good Phoenix and it's all garbage. /o\ I think I'm gonna scrap it and start all over again. I'm also writing Jim and Bones go on a road trip for my Buddhism/Beats class, although I have to rename Bones because my professor is totally a Trekkie. (Anime and comic geek too, which is nice. We had a long talk about cosplay last week when I met her during her office hours. Interesting lady.) The road trip is from Savannah, Georgia, to Berkley, so um if you guys have any ideas for things for them to see that related to Jim being a practicing Zen Buddhist and Bones being generally cynical and curmudgeonly, that's be awesome. They're just meeting, Jim picks Bones up who's hitchhiking to get away from Savannah and Jocelyn if that helps. Joanna doesn't exist for the purposes of this story. I'm thinking the World's Largest Ball of Twine will be involved somehow. I really need to sit down with Google Maps and plot their route this weekend.

Oh, and I started watching Mad Men! It is insanely good television. I'm not in any way, shape or form fannish about it, but it's incredible. I only watch one episode a night so I can soak it all in. I also will take one of everything Joan Holloway wears. Everything I say!

For now, I have homework plus riesling to drink.

OH RIGHT. Kirk/McCoy Ghostbusters AU? Great idea or greatest idea? It was merely a matter of time, considering one of my all time OTPs is Peter/Egon.

Well, more of a dwindling pile than a mountain at this point.

I did mi tarea de espanol, and I did a bunch of reading for Social Diversity. I am actually kind of angry with myself because I only got an 83 on a Biology test, and I can do way better than that shit. I refuse to get a B in any of my classes, let alone one as basic as Biology. The next one's not for a few weeks yet, and there are four total. My lab grades and homework grades are perfect, though. So I can keep up my average that way, I bet. There's extra credit, too, throughout the semester.

For Humanities I have to read a lot (easy books, but still), and I also have to keep a journal. I plan on writing in my journal for the free categories some cleverly disguised Jim and Bones fanfic. I'll likely be posting that locked down when I get around to it. I need to do the journals this week, I'm a little behind. Ideas are more important than grammar, so we'll see how I do. The professor takes forever to grade things, and it makes me nervous.

I've started going back to the gym. On Monday mornings, I do cardio and weight training. On Tuesday evenings, I swim. On Wednesday evenings, I go to pilates classes. On Thursday afternoons, I swim. On Friday mornings I do cardio and weight training. Saturdays and Sundays I work, and frankly being a grocery store cashier for seven hours at a time is enough of a work out. (To all of the people today who bought like six cases of beer each because NC State was playing a goddamn home game: I hate you. I hate you so much I cannot see straight. I especially hate you if you kept all the beer on the bottom of the cart instead of in the big basket area. Are you people trying to make me throw my back out or something? Is it a contest? SO MUCH HATE. Not to mention that it's TRIPLE COUPON weekend. I also hate you, people with forty coupons. You may not have anything else going on, but I had a line all day at my register because of your bullshit. We were constantly calling back up to the front because of your bullshit. Seriously. Get a life, and stop wasting my time because of course the coupons never scan properly, and of course you people have to try to break the rules and use too many from the same manufacturer, then you look at me like I'm the asshole when I explain our policy. I don't set the policies; write to the office in Charlotte if it bothers you that badly. I don't deserve a public brow-beating because you want to use four Sargento coupons and can only use three. Jesus.)

This has somehow turned into me ranting about my job. Whoops.

Anyway one week off of writing has turned into two, which is my bad. I plan on doing some tomorrow night, and doing Word Wars on Wednesday after I get in from pilates. And I don't know, I have more free time now during the week that work cut my hours (this is a good thing, I asked them to) so I think I can manage to write more now, like on Wednesdays I don't do shit until I go in for help with Spanish at two. Which is the main thing that you all care about, so hey!

Thankfully, outlining good!Phoenix really helped. Yes there's a lot going on in that story, but I've got a solid plan and can cross things off as I go.

And also, I got new glasses because I lost my old ones. I was living with a headache for six solid days. I do not recommend losing your glasses if you do not have a backup pair. Now I have contacts for back up! Woo!

I also bought a spa package from Amazon local. $65 for a facial, 60 minute massage, and botanical foot treatment.

Oh yeah, that's something that I don't get to mention much here on this journal. I'm kind of a princess. (I'm choosing to use that word as I don't really have another way of saying it. I guess high maintenance, but that sounds really negative, and I don't consider it to be a negative trait.) I love fashion, and I love being "girly." I get manicures every two weeks with a pedicure once a month, I love having an occasion to dress up, I love shoes (oh God I love shoes, I've finally saved up enough to treat myself to this pair of Louboutins I've been salivating over for months), I swear by fancy bath products, Marc Jacobs made my iPad case, and I subscribe to both Vogue and In Style. (The difference is that Vogue is more about fashion as an art, and yes, fashion is art, whereas In Style is more about what a person can actually wear. You won't see Galliano in In Style, and you won't see pieces from Target in Vogue.) I don't know why it bears mentioning I guess except I haven't brought it up previously, but I don't know. Maybe this explains the Gossip Girl AU to some of you, fuck, I don't know. The point is that it's a part of me I don't get to discuss much.

I am apparently blabbing about everything tonight. What else is new with me?

Oh. I went speed dating on Thursday. I didn't make any matches apparently, which well, that's money that could have been better spent. Oh well, maybe I'll go again this Friday and see what the crowd's like. I'm kinda disappointed because one of the guys liked Star Trek so I was hoping that at least HE would pick me but oh well.

...I think I'm finally ramble-free. Wow. Pardon the long-windedness. Apparently I felt like talking tonight, womp womp. I think I'm going to curl up with the iPad and do some reading or something.

I don't know that I can get this done by September 1st.

Dark Phoenix is 62,000 and then some words alone. The prologue is 3,533. I have not even begun Phoenix yet. And I (finally) got a job this week, and school starts the 16th.

There's not enough time.

I just had to take a week off of writing, primarily because my dog hurt himself on his foot (we think it was a spider bite), the wound got infected, and I've had to keep him under surveillance and in the Cone of Shame (until he figured out how to get it off, lousy intelligent dog) ever since. The wound initially ulcerated, and I was very afraid he would lose his leg. He's fine now, and healing properly, but I just could not write while that was going on.

Also I found out that three and some change weeks doing nothing but writing is my limit. I was disgusted with being on the computer, so this past week I went offline in every way imaginable. And I feel much better, and reinvigorated, but taking an entire week off from writing has set me back.

I don't know that I can do this.

If I don't make it, I will still finish it. I've been waiting for two years to tell this story, and the time to tell it is now. Just getting that RD done for the 1st is looking less and less likely.

I hope this doesn't disappoint you guys too much.

I don't have much to say or a snippet, but I just need to vent for a moment.

Making the Hellfire Club a) exist in the AOS universe, b) exist in a way that makes sense in the AOS universe, c) exist in a way that makes sense without the existence of mutants because that is a can of worms I seriously do not wish to open in the AOS universe is like...some of the hardest writing I have ever done.

Also my inner...well and outer...feminist really rankles at the dress code. With the men it's all opulent fabrics and lush colors and coats, and breeches and with the women it's...corsets and stilettos. >.> THANKS COMICS.

No, Bones does not get to wear a corset. It's not that kind of fic.