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You Can Save that Drama (For Another Day)
Series: Star Trek reboot
Rating: PG for swearing and discussions of a pragmatic, but sexy nature.
Pairings: Kirk/Bones, Spock/Uhura, and one-sided (for now) Sulu/Chapel (Dude seriously? They're a pilot and a nurse. It's like chocolate and peanut butter, guys. DELICIOUS CHOCOLATE AND PEANUT BUTTER IN SPACE.)
Summary: In which, for Kirk, Spock, and Sulu, lines are drawn, grievances are aired, and alliances are also declared.
Notes: My take on the “aliens make them do it/fuck or die” scenario. :D
Set in the “water park” continuity, about five months after The Simple Art of Seduction, so they're a year and five months give or take into the five-year mission. Sulu's age comes straight from Memory Alpha. The water park is...actually referenced this time. XD
Title taken from the Nappy Roots song “Good Day,” which I am convinced is Kirk's theme song when he gets on his elliptical in the morning and plans to go on missions and be all captainy and shiny and stuff while Bones throws a pillow at him and tells him to use his damn headphones and stop listening to that crap so early before he rolls over to get just ten more minutes, no really, he's practically up, he swears.
...Wow I've spent too much time thinking about their relationship.
Dedicated to![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
hikaru_9, as today it is her BIRTHDAY hooray! Also, thanks to inugrlrayn and cryogenia for the stamps of approval.
Anyways, fic.
To say that things were not going well was an understatement of truly epic proportions.
According to Starfleet, the planet Atlus had no sentient life forms, only unique species of vegetation and a K-type atmosphere. This was to be a very simple sample gathering mission, as it was believed that one of the plants unique to this planet had great healing properties. As everything seemed harmless enough, Kirk decided to accompany Spock and Sulu. The three of them had beamed down to Atlus without incident and had begun their work efficiently.
It was very unfortunate for them that Starfleet either was a lying bag of dicks or hadn't done their homework well enough because they were quite suddenly besieged and attacked by a group of forty eight-foot tall purple-skinned vaguely humanoid creatures with very sharp teeth and red eyes.
So here they found themselves thrown very unceremoniously into an old-fashioned type of cell, their weapons and equipment having been confiscated when they were abducted.
Kirk leaned against a wall with his hands in his pockets and stared off into space. “Does it count as violating the Prime Directive if we didn't, like, know there were people here?”
Spock was taking his time pacing back and forth across the cell, while Sulu sat dejectedly on a rock. “I do not believe so.”
“Well, that's something at least.” Jim sighed. “Opinions, guys?”
“We're locked in a cell without our weapons or any way of calling for back up.” The rock was rather bumpy and Sulu was struggling to find a comfortable position on it. “The only thing we can do is hope one of them opens the cell, then try to over-power the guards and make a run for it.”
“Of significance is also the location of our equipment. We cannot be transported back to the Enterprise unless we recover at least one of our communicators.” Spock had stopped his pacing and folded his hands behind his back. The sound of a door opening grabbed their collective attention and the three men made their way to the bars to get a better look.
A group of ten of the aliens were walking towards them, several of them armed with a type of harpoon weapon. The one leading the pack was wearing a more ornate set of robes than they had seen previously, clearly signifying its status above the others. They all stopped in front of the cell.
The leader tilted its head to one side. “These are the trespassers?”
“Yes, chancellor,” one of the creatures who was holding a harpoon said. “We're awaiting your orders on how to proceed.”
There was a slight incline to the chancellor's head as it peered back into the cell, its eyes slightly narrowed. Kirk saw this as an opportunity and put on his most charming smile.
“Chancellor, I'm Captain James T. Kirk of the USS Enterprise, and this is my first officer, Commander Spock, as well as Lieutenant Sulu. We meant no disrespect, as our reports and scans erroneously informed us that there was no sentient life on this planet. We are merely gathering information that can be used for...”
“I do not believe I requested you speak, Dog.” Kirk shut his mouth. “I am not interested in your intent or your attempts at currying my favor so we can become part of your Federation. The facts are simply that you are not welcome here and the penalty for trespassing is quite steep.”
Well, nuts.
“However...we may be persuaded to lessen the penalty and allow you all to return to your ship.” The chancellor's long spindly fingers steepled together in front of its mouth. “As I am certain you have noticed, our races do not carry many similarities. In fact, we have rather more in common with species of vegetation, and indeed we reproduce through scattering spores on the wind.”
“Well, that explains why we didn't read them on the scanners or tricorders. They kept coming up as plants,” Sulu whispered. Spock and Kirk nodded.
“As such, we find we are unfamiliar with certain...biological functions. We are quite interested in studying these functions, in order to have a means of...controlling any future interlopers such as yourselves.” The chancellor dropped its hands and smiled grimly. “So if you do not mind procreating for us, we will send you on your way.”
Sulu's eyes widened as Spock and Kirk both raised their eyebrows.
Kirk took a deep breath. “I'm sorry you...you want us to what?”
“You will demonstrate the human act of mating, or we will put you down like the Federation Dogs you are.” The Chancellor nodded at them once. “Let them have twenty minutes to prepare.”
With that, the entourage quietly took their leave.
It took about ten seconds after they had walked away for Kirk to facepalm, Spock to raise an eyebrow, and Sulu to bury his face in his hands. They were silent for several minutes before Jim spoke.
“I just...wow,” was all he could manage.
With renewed vigor, Spock had restarted his pacing. “I suggest that you and Lieutenant Sulu...I believe the colloquialism is 'lie back and think of England'.”
Kirk sputtered. “What? Why us?”
“With all due respect, Captain, you do have rather far more...experience in the task at hand than either myself or the lieutenant.”
“Rub it in why don't you,” was mumbled from behind Sulu's hands.
Jim rolled his eyes. Honestly, you bed over fifty people before you turn twenty-three and it was like no one ever let you forget it.
Ignoring both Jim's exasperation and Sulu's commentary, Spock continued. “There is also the matter of Lieutenant Uhura and I's bonding.”
Sulu's head snapped up. “Wait what? When did you guys get married?”
“...We have not actually completed the bonding ceremony as of yet.” Spock sniffed and picked an imaginary speck of lint off his tunic. “I...intend to ask her if she will be my life mate. I simply...have not had the opportunity.” For some reason, he was incredibly interested in the dirt floor of the cell.
Loosely translated from the Vulcan, what he actually said was As much as I love her, this extreme level of commitment scares me shitless and I am totally afraid to ask.
Jim brightened. “Ah-ha, so you're not married, you're just in a regular old relationship like me and Bones. Which means you're not off the table as a participant.”
“Lieutenant Uhura and I have been involved in a stable and monogamous relationship for two years, one month, two weeks, and two days. It would be quite illogical for me to jeopardize that.”
His expression quickly giving way to a scowl, Jim put his hands on his hips. “So what, it's okay for me to jeopardize mine?”
Spock had obviously realized the implication of what he had said at the same time as Jim, because a blink-and-you'll-miss it wince passed over his features. Jim turned the scowl into a glare.
“Okay, look. We all know the insane amount of work I had to do to sweep Bones off his feet in the first place and there is no way I'm risking the best thing I've ever had. There's only one person here who's having sex with Sulu and it sure as shit isn't me.”
“Hey, whoa, who says I have to be one of the participants?”
Spock gave Sulu a somewhat withering stare and Kirk laughed, albeit without humor.
“You're kidding right?” Jim's smile was fairly condescending and if it wouldn't have resulted in a court-martial, Sulu would have wiped it off with five across the eyes. “Ignoring the whole rank thing for a second, you're the only one who's not dating anybody. Clearly you've got the least to lose.”
“You're right, the only things I have to lose are my pride, my self-respect, and my will to live.” Sulu pointed angrily at the other two men. “Aw but wouldn't you know it, I have to pass. There's no way I'm subjecting myself to this.”
Spock looked moderately confused. “I do not understand why you are behaving in such an illogical manner. As the captain correctly stated, you do not have a significant other to offend by your actions.”
“I can't believe I have to break this down for you,” the lieutenant muttered as he folded his arms across his chest. “First, no.” He looked back and forth between the two of them pointedly. “Just...just no.” At this, Kirk's expression became slightly wounded. “Second, I would enjoy living to see twenty-three, so I don't need Nyota or McCoy coming after me with sharp things and/or phasers. Third, I...I have my eye on someone.” He blushed faintly.
Kirk rolled his eyes but before he could ask what that had to do with the price of tea on Betazed, Spock was already speaking.
“I fail to see how your infatuation with Nurse Chapel impacts this situation as you are not, as of this moment and to my knowledge, involved with her.”
Sulu began to blush more furiously as he opened his mouth and closed it in rapid succession. “You...how...” Realization struck and he became sullen. “On second thought, maybe I should be the one chasing Uhura with sharp things and/or phasers.” Oh yes, his revenge would be swift and terrible. “My...feelings for Christine matter because I'm pretty sure sleeping with one of my CO's probably will not do me any favors there, if you understand what I mean. No, you guys are the ones in charge. If it's such a small deal then you can go do each other, right?”
Spock was about to protest again when Jim clapped his hands together like one does with a misbehaving cat climbing one's curtains.
“Okay, enough.” The clock was ticking and Jim was sick of the argument going in circles, although he did file that tidbit about Chapel away for when it got dull on the bridge and he needed mocking material. He had enough on Chekov for days so it was refreshing to finally get a chink in Sulu's armor. “This isn't getting us anywhere. Two of us have to fuck or else all three of us are going to die. So we just need to...man up and draw straws or something.” He looked around the dirt floor of the room when he noticed some twigs. He grabbed three of them, and broke one of them off so it was shorter than the others. He then arranged them in his hand in a way that they all appeared to be the same length. “Okay, whoever gets the short stick is exempt.” He held out his fist first to Spock, who took one of the sticks, and then to Sulu who did the same. Kirk opened his palm.
Fuck.
Going by the vaguely nauseous expression on Spock's face and the fact that Sulu was doing a dance he recognized from a 21st century music video called “Soulja Boy,” he could guess how it had gone for the others.
Just...fuck.
He walked over to his first officer and pursed his lips. “Well. Um. Looks like you and me.”
“Indeed.” The word came out somewhat choked, as Spock was doing the Vulcan equivalent of throwing up in his mouth.
“So how do you...” Kirk ran his fingers through his hair as Sulu continued dancing. “I mean, do you want to...do you want me to...” Ugh, how the hell where they going to do this?
“This is rather disturbing.” Spock was staring at the twig in his hand. “While this is necessary for our survival and therefore anything else is irrelevant and illogical, I must admit I find the concept of intercourse with you extremely awkward and unappealing.”
“Yeah, well, you ain't my Prince Charming either.” Was everyone going to insult him today? Jesus. “Maybe if I were drunk and could tape a picture of Bones to the back of your head...”
Spock sniffed.
Actually, now that he was thinking about it...this was a really serious problem. The stress of the current circumstances were one thing, but he honestly didn't think he could get it up for Spock. Not getting it up meant no sex. No sex meant they were all doomed anyways.
Jim groaned. This really was like the worst away mission in the history of everything and if they made it out of here he would make sure that his log had DANGEROUS AND UNSAFE!!! stamped all over it eighty times.
There was a stony expression on the first officer's face and he glanced at the captain. “It would appear you have come to a similar conclusion as my own.”
“Yeah, I feel like it'd be like trying to do the nasty with Sam.” Jim groaned a second time. “We're fucked. Well...figuratively, anyhow.”
At this, they heard footsteps once again approaching their cell. Time, apparently, was up.
The group of the aliens stood before them and the chancellor once again had a predatory smile on its face. “I assume you are ready.”
Oh god, not by half. Not even by half.
“Yeah um...about that.” Even Jim was surprised to find himself speaking, but thought quickly. “There's no easy way to say this so I'm just going to spit this out. We're not screwing for you.” Spock and Sulu blatantly stared at him.
“Come again?”
Kirk winced. What an unfortunate choice of phrase. “We're not putting on a show for you. We're...all in committed relationships, not with each other, of course, and our...culture does not...permit adultery.” Not entirely a lie, even if Sulu's relationship was probably with his right hand. Stop that train of thought, that's uncool. “If we perform such an act, we will get...stoned. By...our partners.” Yes, stoning would do nicely especially since in his case with Bones it was probably true, the old-fashioned little darling. “So as we would die either way, we choose death at your hands rather than at the hands of our loved ones.”
The chancellor blinked twice and then turned to its compatriots. There was a hushed conversation for several minutes that Kirk struggled to overhear. Spock and Sulu were still staring at him. Finally, the circle broke.
Considering its words wisely, the chancellor finally spoke. “We were not anticipating your refusal.”
“I uh...kinda figured.” Kirk ducked his head and ran his hand through his hair once more.
“Your people's commitment to your absent mates is commendable.” The chancellor bowed its head in a sign of respect. “We underestimated both your bravery and your culture of honor. We shall make an exception this one time to our laws.”
Jim looked up. “Does that mean what I think it means?”
“You are all free to go, upon the condition that you and your Federation do not set foot upon our world again in the future.” One of the guards opened the cell door, and another handed them their communicators. “Take care, Federation Dogs. May our paths not cross again.” And with that, the aliens left.
“Wow, I really wasn't sure that would work.” Kirk sighed. Sulu gave him a furious look while Spock's shoulders went stiff.
"Did you just b.s. our way out of this?” Sulu had clenched his hands into fists.
“Well...yeah.” After giving his communicator a once over to check for damage, he flipped it open. “Kirk to Enterprise,” he said into his comm.
“Enterprise, Scott here. And may I say, Captain, it is a relief to hear your voice!”
“You too, Scotty. Three to beam up, whenever you're ready.”
“Aye!” Soon they were enveloped by the trademark white light of a transporter beam.
As they rematerialized in the transporter room, the trio was greeted to the sight of four security officers, Chekov, Uhura, and Bones all milling about and talking to one another with Scotty at the console. The engineer gave a short wave and Kirk nodded a hello in return. The large group in front of them abruptly ceased talking and stared.
Chekov was the first to recover. “Captain! Hikaru! Mister Spock!” The ensign's blue eyes were bright and the away team had seldom been happier to see a familiar face. Bones and Uhura stood next to him, relief visible on their faces. Sulu closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. Without a word, he stepped off the pad and began to exit the room.
“Hikaru?” Chekov had a concerned look on his face. “Where are you going?”
“To drown myself in the lazy river,” the pilot called over his shoulder. Puzzled, Chekov quickly followed his best friend. Uhura stepped up to Spock and Kirk with a smile.
“When you all didn't check in at the appointed time, we put together a rescue party per protocol.” She tilted her head and gave them the once over. “I'm very glad that it turned out to be unnecessary. Are you all right? You both look a bit worse for wear.”
Jim closed his eyes and Spock glanced up to the ceiling for a moment.
“We are fine.” Spock stepped off the pad and looked down at his lover. Nyota's smile softened and without another word, they too made their way out of the room.
Quickly following, the redshirts dispersed. Scotty powered down the transporter and with a another wave, he took off. Bones had hung back from everyone else, until finally he and the captain were alone in the room. Jim gave him a tired smile and made his way over.
“Hi,” he said softly once he stood in front of him.
“You look like shit,” Bones chirped. “Things went that good, huh?”
“I don't want to talk about it.” Jim leaned over so his face was buried in the doctor's shoulder. Bones immediately wrapped him into a tight hug and rubbed light circles on his back. Giving a prolonged sigh, Jim finally looked up to meet Bones' gaze. “I just want you to get me drunk.”
McCoy raised an eyebrow, but didn't ask. Instead, he quirked one side of his mouth up in a smile. “Sure, Jim.” He shifted so that they were side by side with his right arm around Jim's shoulders and he steered them out of the transporter room.
“Oh by the way, a friend of mine's been wondering...Chapel's single, right?”
Series: Star Trek reboot
Rating: PG for swearing and discussions of a pragmatic, but sexy nature.
Pairings: Kirk/Bones, Spock/Uhura, and one-sided (for now) Sulu/Chapel (Dude seriously? They're a pilot and a nurse. It's like chocolate and peanut butter, guys. DELICIOUS CHOCOLATE AND PEANUT BUTTER IN SPACE.)
Summary: In which, for Kirk, Spock, and Sulu, lines are drawn, grievances are aired, and alliances are also declared.
Notes: My take on the “aliens make them do it/fuck or die” scenario. :D
Set in the “water park” continuity, about five months after The Simple Art of Seduction, so they're a year and five months give or take into the five-year mission. Sulu's age comes straight from Memory Alpha. The water park is...actually referenced this time. XD
Title taken from the Nappy Roots song “Good Day,” which I am convinced is Kirk's theme song when he gets on his elliptical in the morning and plans to go on missions and be all captainy and shiny and stuff while Bones throws a pillow at him and tells him to use his damn headphones and stop listening to that crap so early before he rolls over to get just ten more minutes, no really, he's practically up, he swears.
...Wow I've spent too much time thinking about their relationship.
Dedicated to
hikaru_9, as today it is her BIRTHDAY hooray! Also, thanks to inugrlrayn and cryogenia for the stamps of approval.Anyways, fic.
To say that things were not going well was an understatement of truly epic proportions.
According to Starfleet, the planet Atlus had no sentient life forms, only unique species of vegetation and a K-type atmosphere. This was to be a very simple sample gathering mission, as it was believed that one of the plants unique to this planet had great healing properties. As everything seemed harmless enough, Kirk decided to accompany Spock and Sulu. The three of them had beamed down to Atlus without incident and had begun their work efficiently.
It was very unfortunate for them that Starfleet either was a lying bag of dicks or hadn't done their homework well enough because they were quite suddenly besieged and attacked by a group of forty eight-foot tall purple-skinned vaguely humanoid creatures with very sharp teeth and red eyes.
So here they found themselves thrown very unceremoniously into an old-fashioned type of cell, their weapons and equipment having been confiscated when they were abducted.
Kirk leaned against a wall with his hands in his pockets and stared off into space. “Does it count as violating the Prime Directive if we didn't, like, know there were people here?”
Spock was taking his time pacing back and forth across the cell, while Sulu sat dejectedly on a rock. “I do not believe so.”
“Well, that's something at least.” Jim sighed. “Opinions, guys?”
“We're locked in a cell without our weapons or any way of calling for back up.” The rock was rather bumpy and Sulu was struggling to find a comfortable position on it. “The only thing we can do is hope one of them opens the cell, then try to over-power the guards and make a run for it.”
“Of significance is also the location of our equipment. We cannot be transported back to the Enterprise unless we recover at least one of our communicators.” Spock had stopped his pacing and folded his hands behind his back. The sound of a door opening grabbed their collective attention and the three men made their way to the bars to get a better look.
A group of ten of the aliens were walking towards them, several of them armed with a type of harpoon weapon. The one leading the pack was wearing a more ornate set of robes than they had seen previously, clearly signifying its status above the others. They all stopped in front of the cell.
The leader tilted its head to one side. “These are the trespassers?”
“Yes, chancellor,” one of the creatures who was holding a harpoon said. “We're awaiting your orders on how to proceed.”
There was a slight incline to the chancellor's head as it peered back into the cell, its eyes slightly narrowed. Kirk saw this as an opportunity and put on his most charming smile.
“Chancellor, I'm Captain James T. Kirk of the USS Enterprise, and this is my first officer, Commander Spock, as well as Lieutenant Sulu. We meant no disrespect, as our reports and scans erroneously informed us that there was no sentient life on this planet. We are merely gathering information that can be used for...”
“I do not believe I requested you speak, Dog.” Kirk shut his mouth. “I am not interested in your intent or your attempts at currying my favor so we can become part of your Federation. The facts are simply that you are not welcome here and the penalty for trespassing is quite steep.”
Well, nuts.
“However...we may be persuaded to lessen the penalty and allow you all to return to your ship.” The chancellor's long spindly fingers steepled together in front of its mouth. “As I am certain you have noticed, our races do not carry many similarities. In fact, we have rather more in common with species of vegetation, and indeed we reproduce through scattering spores on the wind.”
“Well, that explains why we didn't read them on the scanners or tricorders. They kept coming up as plants,” Sulu whispered. Spock and Kirk nodded.
“As such, we find we are unfamiliar with certain...biological functions. We are quite interested in studying these functions, in order to have a means of...controlling any future interlopers such as yourselves.” The chancellor dropped its hands and smiled grimly. “So if you do not mind procreating for us, we will send you on your way.”
Sulu's eyes widened as Spock and Kirk both raised their eyebrows.
Kirk took a deep breath. “I'm sorry you...you want us to what?”
“You will demonstrate the human act of mating, or we will put you down like the Federation Dogs you are.” The Chancellor nodded at them once. “Let them have twenty minutes to prepare.”
With that, the entourage quietly took their leave.
It took about ten seconds after they had walked away for Kirk to facepalm, Spock to raise an eyebrow, and Sulu to bury his face in his hands. They were silent for several minutes before Jim spoke.
“I just...wow,” was all he could manage.
With renewed vigor, Spock had restarted his pacing. “I suggest that you and Lieutenant Sulu...I believe the colloquialism is 'lie back and think of England'.”
Kirk sputtered. “What? Why us?”
“With all due respect, Captain, you do have rather far more...experience in the task at hand than either myself or the lieutenant.”
“Rub it in why don't you,” was mumbled from behind Sulu's hands.
Jim rolled his eyes. Honestly, you bed over fifty people before you turn twenty-three and it was like no one ever let you forget it.
Ignoring both Jim's exasperation and Sulu's commentary, Spock continued. “There is also the matter of Lieutenant Uhura and I's bonding.”
Sulu's head snapped up. “Wait what? When did you guys get married?”
“...We have not actually completed the bonding ceremony as of yet.” Spock sniffed and picked an imaginary speck of lint off his tunic. “I...intend to ask her if she will be my life mate. I simply...have not had the opportunity.” For some reason, he was incredibly interested in the dirt floor of the cell.
Loosely translated from the Vulcan, what he actually said was As much as I love her, this extreme level of commitment scares me shitless and I am totally afraid to ask.
Jim brightened. “Ah-ha, so you're not married, you're just in a regular old relationship like me and Bones. Which means you're not off the table as a participant.”
“Lieutenant Uhura and I have been involved in a stable and monogamous relationship for two years, one month, two weeks, and two days. It would be quite illogical for me to jeopardize that.”
His expression quickly giving way to a scowl, Jim put his hands on his hips. “So what, it's okay for me to jeopardize mine?”
Spock had obviously realized the implication of what he had said at the same time as Jim, because a blink-and-you'll-miss it wince passed over his features. Jim turned the scowl into a glare.
“Okay, look. We all know the insane amount of work I had to do to sweep Bones off his feet in the first place and there is no way I'm risking the best thing I've ever had. There's only one person here who's having sex with Sulu and it sure as shit isn't me.”
“Hey, whoa, who says I have to be one of the participants?”
Spock gave Sulu a somewhat withering stare and Kirk laughed, albeit without humor.
“You're kidding right?” Jim's smile was fairly condescending and if it wouldn't have resulted in a court-martial, Sulu would have wiped it off with five across the eyes. “Ignoring the whole rank thing for a second, you're the only one who's not dating anybody. Clearly you've got the least to lose.”
“You're right, the only things I have to lose are my pride, my self-respect, and my will to live.” Sulu pointed angrily at the other two men. “Aw but wouldn't you know it, I have to pass. There's no way I'm subjecting myself to this.”
Spock looked moderately confused. “I do not understand why you are behaving in such an illogical manner. As the captain correctly stated, you do not have a significant other to offend by your actions.”
“I can't believe I have to break this down for you,” the lieutenant muttered as he folded his arms across his chest. “First, no.” He looked back and forth between the two of them pointedly. “Just...just no.” At this, Kirk's expression became slightly wounded. “Second, I would enjoy living to see twenty-three, so I don't need Nyota or McCoy coming after me with sharp things and/or phasers. Third, I...I have my eye on someone.” He blushed faintly.
Kirk rolled his eyes but before he could ask what that had to do with the price of tea on Betazed, Spock was already speaking.
“I fail to see how your infatuation with Nurse Chapel impacts this situation as you are not, as of this moment and to my knowledge, involved with her.”
Sulu began to blush more furiously as he opened his mouth and closed it in rapid succession. “You...how...” Realization struck and he became sullen. “On second thought, maybe I should be the one chasing Uhura with sharp things and/or phasers.” Oh yes, his revenge would be swift and terrible. “My...feelings for Christine matter because I'm pretty sure sleeping with one of my CO's probably will not do me any favors there, if you understand what I mean. No, you guys are the ones in charge. If it's such a small deal then you can go do each other, right?”
Spock was about to protest again when Jim clapped his hands together like one does with a misbehaving cat climbing one's curtains.
“Okay, enough.” The clock was ticking and Jim was sick of the argument going in circles, although he did file that tidbit about Chapel away for when it got dull on the bridge and he needed mocking material. He had enough on Chekov for days so it was refreshing to finally get a chink in Sulu's armor. “This isn't getting us anywhere. Two of us have to fuck or else all three of us are going to die. So we just need to...man up and draw straws or something.” He looked around the dirt floor of the room when he noticed some twigs. He grabbed three of them, and broke one of them off so it was shorter than the others. He then arranged them in his hand in a way that they all appeared to be the same length. “Okay, whoever gets the short stick is exempt.” He held out his fist first to Spock, who took one of the sticks, and then to Sulu who did the same. Kirk opened his palm.
Fuck.
Going by the vaguely nauseous expression on Spock's face and the fact that Sulu was doing a dance he recognized from a 21st century music video called “Soulja Boy,” he could guess how it had gone for the others.
Just...fuck.
He walked over to his first officer and pursed his lips. “Well. Um. Looks like you and me.”
“Indeed.” The word came out somewhat choked, as Spock was doing the Vulcan equivalent of throwing up in his mouth.
“So how do you...” Kirk ran his fingers through his hair as Sulu continued dancing. “I mean, do you want to...do you want me to...” Ugh, how the hell where they going to do this?
“This is rather disturbing.” Spock was staring at the twig in his hand. “While this is necessary for our survival and therefore anything else is irrelevant and illogical, I must admit I find the concept of intercourse with you extremely awkward and unappealing.”
“Yeah, well, you ain't my Prince Charming either.” Was everyone going to insult him today? Jesus. “Maybe if I were drunk and could tape a picture of Bones to the back of your head...”
Spock sniffed.
Actually, now that he was thinking about it...this was a really serious problem. The stress of the current circumstances were one thing, but he honestly didn't think he could get it up for Spock. Not getting it up meant no sex. No sex meant they were all doomed anyways.
Jim groaned. This really was like the worst away mission in the history of everything and if they made it out of here he would make sure that his log had DANGEROUS AND UNSAFE!!! stamped all over it eighty times.
There was a stony expression on the first officer's face and he glanced at the captain. “It would appear you have come to a similar conclusion as my own.”
“Yeah, I feel like it'd be like trying to do the nasty with Sam.” Jim groaned a second time. “We're fucked. Well...figuratively, anyhow.”
At this, they heard footsteps once again approaching their cell. Time, apparently, was up.
The group of the aliens stood before them and the chancellor once again had a predatory smile on its face. “I assume you are ready.”
Oh god, not by half. Not even by half.
“Yeah um...about that.” Even Jim was surprised to find himself speaking, but thought quickly. “There's no easy way to say this so I'm just going to spit this out. We're not screwing for you.” Spock and Sulu blatantly stared at him.
“Come again?”
Kirk winced. What an unfortunate choice of phrase. “We're not putting on a show for you. We're...all in committed relationships, not with each other, of course, and our...culture does not...permit adultery.” Not entirely a lie, even if Sulu's relationship was probably with his right hand. Stop that train of thought, that's uncool. “If we perform such an act, we will get...stoned. By...our partners.” Yes, stoning would do nicely especially since in his case with Bones it was probably true, the old-fashioned little darling. “So as we would die either way, we choose death at your hands rather than at the hands of our loved ones.”
The chancellor blinked twice and then turned to its compatriots. There was a hushed conversation for several minutes that Kirk struggled to overhear. Spock and Sulu were still staring at him. Finally, the circle broke.
Considering its words wisely, the chancellor finally spoke. “We were not anticipating your refusal.”
“I uh...kinda figured.” Kirk ducked his head and ran his hand through his hair once more.
“Your people's commitment to your absent mates is commendable.” The chancellor bowed its head in a sign of respect. “We underestimated both your bravery and your culture of honor. We shall make an exception this one time to our laws.”
Jim looked up. “Does that mean what I think it means?”
“You are all free to go, upon the condition that you and your Federation do not set foot upon our world again in the future.” One of the guards opened the cell door, and another handed them their communicators. “Take care, Federation Dogs. May our paths not cross again.” And with that, the aliens left.
“Wow, I really wasn't sure that would work.” Kirk sighed. Sulu gave him a furious look while Spock's shoulders went stiff.
"Did you just b.s. our way out of this?” Sulu had clenched his hands into fists.
“Well...yeah.” After giving his communicator a once over to check for damage, he flipped it open. “Kirk to Enterprise,” he said into his comm.
“Enterprise, Scott here. And may I say, Captain, it is a relief to hear your voice!”
“You too, Scotty. Three to beam up, whenever you're ready.”
“Aye!” Soon they were enveloped by the trademark white light of a transporter beam.
As they rematerialized in the transporter room, the trio was greeted to the sight of four security officers, Chekov, Uhura, and Bones all milling about and talking to one another with Scotty at the console. The engineer gave a short wave and Kirk nodded a hello in return. The large group in front of them abruptly ceased talking and stared.
Chekov was the first to recover. “Captain! Hikaru! Mister Spock!” The ensign's blue eyes were bright and the away team had seldom been happier to see a familiar face. Bones and Uhura stood next to him, relief visible on their faces. Sulu closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. Without a word, he stepped off the pad and began to exit the room.
“Hikaru?” Chekov had a concerned look on his face. “Where are you going?”
“To drown myself in the lazy river,” the pilot called over his shoulder. Puzzled, Chekov quickly followed his best friend. Uhura stepped up to Spock and Kirk with a smile.
“When you all didn't check in at the appointed time, we put together a rescue party per protocol.” She tilted her head and gave them the once over. “I'm very glad that it turned out to be unnecessary. Are you all right? You both look a bit worse for wear.”
Jim closed his eyes and Spock glanced up to the ceiling for a moment.
“We are fine.” Spock stepped off the pad and looked down at his lover. Nyota's smile softened and without another word, they too made their way out of the room.
Quickly following, the redshirts dispersed. Scotty powered down the transporter and with a another wave, he took off. Bones had hung back from everyone else, until finally he and the captain were alone in the room. Jim gave him a tired smile and made his way over.
“Hi,” he said softly once he stood in front of him.
“You look like shit,” Bones chirped. “Things went that good, huh?”
“I don't want to talk about it.” Jim leaned over so his face was buried in the doctor's shoulder. Bones immediately wrapped him into a tight hug and rubbed light circles on his back. Giving a prolonged sigh, Jim finally looked up to meet Bones' gaze. “I just want you to get me drunk.”
McCoy raised an eyebrow, but didn't ask. Instead, he quirked one side of his mouth up in a smile. “Sure, Jim.” He shifted so that they were side by side with his right arm around Jim's shoulders and he steered them out of the transporter room.
“Oh by the way, a friend of mine's been wondering...Chapel's single, right?”
